Open Adoption Roundtable #12

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices--how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?


Our adoption didn't start off open.  In fact, it started off completely, totally, solidly closed.  This had not been our plan.  Through my graduate thesis on adoption and genetics, through tons of reading and tons of talking, David and I had concluded that open adoption would be in the best interest of our child.  We never really considered that we'd end up in anything other than an open adoption -- after all, in our profile we had made clear that we wanted an open adoption and we were told that most expectant mothers who were considering adoption wanted openness. 
 
When we adopted Matthew and were told that his first mom did not want any openness, we were surprised and saddened.  We struggled to adjust our imagined adoption to our real-life adoption.  And we decided that while we couldn't, by ourselves, create an open adoption, we could create an attitude of openness.  So, from the start, we talked openly with Cameron and with Matthew (even when he was too little to be aware), about adoption.  We talked about J. and the little we knew of her from the adoption agency.  We spoke of her with respect and love.  And we decided that we would always reach out to J. in any way that we could;  if there was any chance that J. wanted more openness, she would know that we wanted that, too. 
 
We began by writing letters to J and sending photos.  We didn't know if J. would ever choose to receive the letters and photos.  At least, I thought to myself, we can tell Matthew that we wanted J. to know about him.   Then, we learned that J. had decided to accept our updates.  At least, I thought, we can show him these updates and tell him that J. has read these stories, seen these pictures. We began to send monthly letters, stuffed with photos and funny stories.  In every single letter, I told J. how important she was to us and how much we wanted to hear from her.  "Matthew has such beautiful eyes," I'd write.  "I would love to be able to tell him who he looks like, who he got these big dark eyes from . . . " And after many letters to J., we received a letter back.  At least, I thought, Matthew will have this.  I wrote to J., telling her how much we cherished that letter, and how much we felt it would mean to Matthew in the future.  And I kept writing, and I kept sending photos.  And I told J. how much we would love to get more letters from her, or a photo, or an e-mail.  And sometimes I felt like I was asking for too much -- I mean, we weren't get any response and what did that mean? -- and then we received photos from her.  At least, I thought, Matthew will be able to see these, to know what she looks like. 
 
So now, after 2 years, we have moved from a closed to a semi-open adoption.  We're in contact with J. and we are encouraged that her biggest concern is the same as ours -- doing the right thing for Matthew.
 
So, for this year, my goals for our moving-towards-open adoption:
 
-- No matter what, I will maintain an attitude of openness.  I will welcome Matthew's questions, I will accept his feelings, and I will continue to tell him not just his adoption story but what I know of his birth story.
 
-- I will continue to try to grow our relationship with J.  I will continue to tell her how important she is to us and to Matthew.  I will keep on telling her why we want her to be a part of Matthew's life.  I will thank her for the openness she has offered, I will ask and hope for more openness but I will respect her timetable in getting there.
 
And I will hope that someday there are no At leasts left.  That someday, when Matthew has a question about J., he can ask her.  That someday, instead of showing him photos of J., he will know her.  And when people ask me why I would want her to be a part of our lives, I tell them:  Because Matthew is a part of our family.  And so is she.