As I've mentioned before, this blog is listed as one of Adoptive Families magazine's "Adoption Blogs We Love!" And, in the latest issue, they've included this post I wrote about Cameron's awareness of being a multiracial family. After a few moments of heady self-congratulation, it suddenly occurred to me that people might actually come to my blog. And, in all likelihood, they’d be expecting it to be about adoption and, well, it's usually not. Which got me thinking about why it's not.
Some people blog about their adoption process. I didn't . . . it was too personal, I guess. The decisions you are making during the adoption process are big and I didn't want them clouded by outside opinions or pressure.
Some people blog about the need for adoption reform, the ethics of adoption, adoption policy. I love reading these blogs and always learn something. But I'm still learning and forming opinions about those topics. Plus, there are way more eloquent and thoughtful people out there writing those blogs -- I defer to them.
I mainly started blogging to write about my family – simply to share the fun and the frustrating moments of motherhood. And writing about my family will sometimes mean writing about adoption and sometimes not. Because, paradoxically, I am thinking about adoption both all the time and almost never.
Here's the adoption stuff that is "all the time." I think about Matthew's birth mom every single day. Each day, I tell Matthew how much he is loved by mommy, by daddy, by Cameron, by grandma and grandpa and by his birth mom. I tell Matthew his adoption story and I think of how that story will someday become a conversation and how that conversation will grow over time. I think nearly constantly about how to be the best mom I can be to both of my boys, and in our family that will always include how we talk about adoption and race. I think about how to teach others about adoption and multiracial families, how to answer people’s questions, how to kindly correct their missteps, how to advocate for Matthew. So, in many ways, adoption is always on my mind – it isn’t just how Matthew joined our family, it’s changed our family in so many ways and it will always be a part of our daily life.
Here's the "almost never" stuff. I don't look at Matthew and think "adopted." I did at first in a "Wow, can you believe it?" kind of way. And, of course, every time we went out in public for a long time I was hyperaware that we were now a family that attracted a lot of attention. But now, I see Matthew and I think about how adorable his giggle is and how tough it is to keep him out of trouble and a million things other than how he came to be our son. These days, I sometimes even forget that other people see us any differently until, inevitably, someone asks, "Is he adopted?" or "Where's he from?" I think when people first meet us, and often for a very long time afterward, the main way they think of our family is “the white family with the adopted black baby.” And that, I can tell you, is “never” stuff for me. As much as adoption is a part of our daily life, it doesn’t define our family.
Here's the adoption stuff that is "all the time." I think about Matthew's birth mom every single day. Each day, I tell Matthew how much he is loved by mommy, by daddy, by Cameron, by grandma and grandpa and by his birth mom. I tell Matthew his adoption story and I think of how that story will someday become a conversation and how that conversation will grow over time. I think nearly constantly about how to be the best mom I can be to both of my boys, and in our family that will always include how we talk about adoption and race. I think about how to teach others about adoption and multiracial families, how to answer people’s questions, how to kindly correct their missteps, how to advocate for Matthew. So, in many ways, adoption is always on my mind – it isn’t just how Matthew joined our family, it’s changed our family in so many ways and it will always be a part of our daily life.
Here's the "almost never" stuff. I don't look at Matthew and think "adopted." I did at first in a "Wow, can you believe it?" kind of way. And, of course, every time we went out in public for a long time I was hyperaware that we were now a family that attracted a lot of attention. But now, I see Matthew and I think about how adorable his giggle is and how tough it is to keep him out of trouble and a million things other than how he came to be our son. These days, I sometimes even forget that other people see us any differently until, inevitably, someone asks, "Is he adopted?" or "Where's he from?" I think when people first meet us, and often for a very long time afterward, the main way they think of our family is “the white family with the adopted black baby.” And that, I can tell you, is “never” stuff for me. As much as adoption is a part of our daily life, it doesn’t define our family.
So, if you came to this blog to read about adoption, you sometimes will. Most of the time, what you'll see are stories about a happy family with two beautiful boys who are funny, smart, challenging and always giving me writing material! A family that, by they way, was built through adoption.
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4 comments:
I think what you wrote is pretty eloquent and thoughtful.
You're one of 4 sets of friends who has adopted. Everyone of you did it differently. Steve adopted a boy and a girl from Russia at the same time. Jerry adopted a girl from Guatemala. You know Nicole. For me, all these kids are YOUR kids. I honestly don't think about them being any different, until like you said, someone points it out or asks if they were adopted.
I love your blog and reading about the family, especially the boys, since you are far away!
Oh Sharon, that's a really beautiful post. I think you made a really good point about why you mostly don't write about adoption. The adoption itself was a part of the process, but now you're a family and time moves forward...now you have the day to day blessings (and trials!) that make a life. You've made a wonderful family for both of your boys! :)
ha ha. that is exactly how i came to your blog. but i wasn't expecting adoption stuff. i write a blog about my adopted son too and it's mostly funny motherhood stories, and every once in a while i throw everyone for a loop and write about some serious side of adoption. but it's similar with me, when we first got Mateo i noticed everything about everyone who looked at us. now, i forget, in some way that he looks different than us. even when i notice lots of curious looks i assume they're thinking about how cute he is. but in a few moments i realize they are trying to figure out how we all fit together. and also my son has a big scar on his lip from having a cleft lip/palate and that draws attention as well. i've hardly ever had anyone ask about him. which is interesting to me because i hear about it all the time. maybe it's because of where we live. in the northeast, everyone just keeps to themselves.
Thanks, all!
J-Momma, I looked at your blog briefly (before I was interrupted by a kiddo!) and Mateo is a cutie pie! Sometimes when we get curious looks, my first thought is that they are wowed by Matthew's cuteness -- who knows, maybe they are!
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