Smells Like Tot Spirit

As I was brushing my teeth this morning, Matthew was standing next to me.  "Eew," I heard him say.  "Need my juice, mama."

I looked down to see him holding an open bottle of aftershave, his lips puckered.  "Matthew!" I cried, "Did you DRINK that?!?!"

"I just drink it one, mama.  Just one.  Just taste it.  Ewww."

A few minutes later, I was on the phone with poison control.  "My two-year-old just drank aftershave," I said.

"Yuck!" replied the operator.   Which seemed to me sort of an obvious and unreassuring thing to say.  I mean, does Poison Control get many calls about kids ingesting things that would make you say, "Yum?"  Aren't they supposed to say something like, "Okay, ma'am, not to worry.  We'll get this sorted out right away?"

Quickly, however, the operator began gathering the relevant information.  Weight of child, age of child, amount consumed, time of consumption.  "Is he behaving normally?"

Matthew squealed in the background.  "I have caaandy?  A lollipop, mama?" 

"Yes, he's acting totally normal," I told the operator.  I mean, that's normal, right? If I'd taken a swig of something described as "a strong, aromatic citrus-scent for daytime wear," I imagine that I might be looking for a lollipop, too.  I rifled through the pantry while I waited for the verdict from the operator. What flavor Dum-Dum goes with Adidas Dynamic Pulse?  Mango?  Root beer?  Ahhh, mystery flavor.  For those times when you just can't decide.

After a few calculations involving body weight and percent alcohol, and my assurances that Matthew was not lethargic or "acting like he'd had a few drinks," it was concluded that Matthew would be fine.   

So, the aftershave has been relocated to a higher drawer, "Install safety latches in bathroom" has been added to the to-do list, and, thanks to my maternal shortcomings and a curious toddler, I've got me a blog post for the day.